one month since my birthday. anyway that's not my point. had tried to keep myself high at least for the whole time in school. and i kinda succeeded lah. even when was scolded by ms seah i din damp my mood. so..cuz i have precautions today. after ydae feeling down after the short break in co room..i had reminded myself to be high in the brinks of sadness..hahax but i'm feeling down now again. anyway it's at home so it's ok?i think so. hp crisis faced again. may not get my phone back. nvm i getting used to loneliness. loneliness know me by my name.
was wondering, as i ever so often wonder b4, how come the friendship between guys are so firm and that between girls are so fragile. it's like guy comics about friendship, and girls definitely about love. is love really so attractive to girls? that friendship to us seem nth. to me, no. but then again. ever so often was i told that i think like a man. well. friendship between guys can last for years and they treasure it beyond own life. but for girls, as i see it, can break one day and happy the next, or vice versa. and they'd be the 1st to run when the best friend is in trouble. how come?
i have no ans, and supposed won't be able to find one too. tt's y the genders are diff i supposed? and i wished that i can be one exceptional case whereby i treasure friendship more than love. and find a friendship that's for life. and will pay them my life if it needs. but then again, this kind of person is so easily hurt in real life, when these traits appears in a girl. cuz i want to keep the friendship 4ever, but the other party won't wan. felt and will feel tired out. and decide not to hold on anymore. like what i am feeling now. felt that me and zy shifted apart. think she can sense it too. but none of us say it out. and would not too. just let it remain as it is. and no heart and feelings involved. and carmen and xiuyi is going on their own life. together. so i shld be stopped here. and when any of them need me cuz they quarreled, they can always find me here. even though the next day they'll be back together and leave me alone again. well, i shall not be hurt anyway. NO heart involvement. remember?
began to keep my sorrow inside. once again. not like i've never done before..just that after those times people egg you on to say ur sorrow, and now there's no one to listen and to understand, it's harder to put all of it back in. cuz u shared ur burden and find it lighter, you'd want to lighten it again no matter any one could understand you. and i crossed that barrier and hide back in again. ya. try to call me out again. and i see no reason to.
had thought that home wasn't some place i can find warmth from. cuz our family is going a bit all directions nowadays, but better than my classmates'. anyway and i thought that my friends are the only ones that can bring me happiness, cuz i feel at home when in sch, with all my friends, and so lost at home. but not now. suddenly i feel so tired and stressed out in the sch and around my friends, needing to protect myself from their harsh words from the heart, guard myself from loneliness, accept humiliation, feeling not needed and wanted anywhere, and the feeling of actually having no friends at all. and seek shelter at home, a place that i can just curl up under my blanket and cry, or try to squeeze myself into some corner, and hide myself forever. and ever. do you see my heart bleeding? i guess not too, cuz my blood had dried up. like my tears. (to u.)
oh ya..and tmr will be another performance without my involvement. i'm finally detached. from the world.