It just suddenly occur to me that the expectation of myself does not match the expectation others have on me. Not that this is a good time to write a blog entry on this since I'm literately racing against time at the moment, but I need to write the feeling down before I forget, just like how I forget everything else in my life when the time comes.
When I was Primary 5 I could still remember myself writing that little note to my form teacher on my near illiteracy of English, and how my teacher wrote back in the yellow piece of small square paper saying that she saw improvement on my performance that shows I'm already trying my best and should not give up on trying.
When I was Secondary 4 and failing almost every single one of my Additional Mathematics papers, I remember Mdm Ting squatting down beside my seat and asking me is there anything she could help me on learning A maths, because she believes that i have the potential. She believed that I should be doing much much better and would really want to help me in whatever ways possible.
When I was in Meridian I would remember being included in the Talent Management programme and being involved in all the related activities, even though I am not performing up to expectation and that I was once on conditional renewal. I remember my mentor Mr Max agreeing on almost anything I requested, be it writing recommendation letters for me, being a guarantor for scholarship, or be the person in contact for my scholarship application.
When my passport was due and I need to find someone to guarantee that I am who I claim to be, I remember going back to Dunman High to find my form teacher, Lu Lao Shi, to sign the form, while having half the mind telling myself that it's a slim chance that I will get it. But I got it, without much explaining myself, she so willing to trust in the things I said.
I can still remember the face of my form teacher and the choir in charge in the primary school that I was in back in Hong Kong; and the concerned face of Mr Quek my band conductor here in the primary school in Singapore when I lost consciousness for a while during the practice. Not to mention the faces in the family that expect so much from me. And I realise, not once, my expectation of myself met up to their standards.
And now, my tutor of the sem, Lay Hua, said that I am always insightful and she expects a definite something from me in class and answer the question. And at that same moment, I was zoning out because I was too tired, and cannot retain or formulate anything in my brain...
Maybe I have really not been up to the standard that I look capable of, but unwilling to commit to?