- We are awarded silver.- i shall be truthful in this post..i hope
- seems it's indeed true that I'm getting weaker emotionally day by day. I mean, who would cry just because the plan has changed without prior notice to the students and she has to go back to school instead of staying at SCH?
today is SYF day. after waking up at 4 this morning, i got ready and went to the bus stop at 0519 to catch the first 53 bus at 0529. after waiting for quite some time, i decided to look at my bio notes while waiting so that i can be more or less prepared for the bio quiz tmr.. i was starting to concentrated and the next moment when i look up from my notes, i saw
the 53 zoomed by the bus stop without stopping, with nobody on the bus and lights all out. can you feel how frustrated i was at that point of time? anyway i said SHIT in the bus stop quite loudly into the silent early morning LOL ( i think i am getting more vulgar..boo!) was starting to tear when i sms-ed valerie about it, but lucky is that the second bus came within minutes, so when i got to the school finally it was only at 6 :)
anyway so we had our half an hour practice inside the hall before the school started to fill with students, and off we went to SCH.
the four j2 gy got together in the bus and crapped our way there:D haha and we went through the whole standard procedure of all the tuning and etc and it was the competition. with the ACJ people sitting in the front 3 rows a lot of people was complaining that they got distracted by all their finger-pointings and sniggers. well..i shan't continue about the details?
anyway after that we went back inside to listen to the other jcs play and it was NJ's turn when we were all asked to go out of the hall. thinking that it was lunch, i told xiuyi we'll be back around 1 hour later.
anyway i went to the other side where we put our instruments, when i was kind of stuck in the group of people discussing, with the teachers saying things. that's when i heard that the plan is changed. a day ago we were told that we would be staying at SCH till the results at 4, and today they suddenly was saying that they already asked the bus and lorry to come and we HAD to go back to school, and after that whether to come back or not is OUR CHOICE (with the taxi fares paid by ourselves). just listening to that made me mad. anyway i walked away and i saw val and told her that suddenly i was feeling a bit unstable. and she started consoling me and i felt that maybe i should cry. and so i did. haha well but the later part it was really induced by the frustration and almost hatred lah..then people started saying that the teachers said we can choose whether to go back or not, and we have to go back to get our belongings anyway so there isn't any much choice. but jacob junwei amanda desmond decided to sacrifice themselves and go back to help us take our belongings. ok at that point of time i was feeling stupid and selfish. so, after much contemplation, i decided to go back to school with them to help, and took the ZYSN from amanda, getting ready to go back. then i saw xiuyi and i went to her to start talking, and the next thing i know, all of what remains of mjco who are going back to school disappeared. and i was having bad feelings when i saw two buses went off so i called amanda and YES they just rode off without me.
and here i shall be truthful, so if it hurts anyone, i'm sorry. amanda passed the phone to her and she said "i'm sorry but the bus can't stop for you" in a tone that almost set me off. i mean, i know it can't stop for me, but..anyway i seriously broke down after i excused myself from ting yu and sarene and desmond (sorry!) and went into the toilet to cry (with xiuyi with me). and the tears came again when zhuangyuan asked why am i alone with the zhongsuo. i can't even construct a proper sentence and they had to get me into the toilet again lol.
i felt that i had been abandoned by a CO that i had tried so hard to blend into but to no avail. it might seem silly but i felt that i am outcasted, not being one of them. i mean, i don't expect everyone to like me and i certainly don't like every one of them, but i said i was going back so shouldn't you look for me before you leave? when i was just standing here a few meters away. i felt i don't belong anywhere anymore. ok that's an overstatement because i guess i still have guan yue? :) lol so after that i went to eat with xiuyi zhuangyuan kokjun..lunch..etc etc.
for the later part of the competition after we came back from lunch we realise only 30 people per sch is allowed in to see and there's already 30 vj and 20 mj people inside..i decided not to go in after a while because zy they all can't go in, so..then jacob junwei and amanda came back and they stayed outside
because the people whom were inside and asked if can exchange places refuse to come out. blah blah blah..sarene desmond tingyu came out to find us (thanks!:)), but we managed to squeeze into the hall again for the results.
we were the third school to be announced as they went sequential order, and we were all getting happy when AC got gold..and when we got silver..all of us are shocked. i was recovering when yishun got silver too. i am not badmouthing or anything but i feel that it's just unfair. does that mean we're the same standard? when we're like..much better? i guess i was in a total shocked state because i totally cannot recall what the few schools after us got, and is woken only by valerie's call. anyway tingyu was scolding swear words (LOL) and matters became worse when tj got gwh. they are
so far away from hwa chong's standard. anyway i think vj's people also quite sad cuz they aimed for gwh..
when we went out of the hall almost everyone in mj was crying or emo-ing. but all i felt was..numb. maybe i had detached myself from them since afternoon, maybe i was feelingless, maybe i was just so heck-care that i feel nothing, or maybe i had hide it all inside me. and all i did after joshua gave that "inspirational talk" was sitting on the stairs..while everyone around me became more sad. i was reasoning to myself, maybe the most disappointing thing is that we have the same award with some co that..well. the only moment i felt like crying then, was when i read the msg from pris and sab. thanks girls! :)
anyway sat there after junwei gave his own talk and the gy whoosh! for quite long till the gy went to eat together (me saying waiting for val)..till jenny talked to me..till val say xyz going to eat together (me saying i want to go home)..till the seniors said let's go home together..did i stood up and tell sihan i gtg..and went off before any of them start walking..went to the toilet on the first floor and sat there for around 10 mins, and when i came out the mj people still on second floor and i sat underneath the staircase waiting for them to go..[because i want to see the sunset in SCH (which i did not achieve)..because i want to be the last person of mj to go (which i did in the end)]..and waited till they all go before i went out..and as i was standing in the middle of the road waiting for sihan to walk further ahead with her bf, xiuyi and flora and their friend came along..so in the end me and xiuyi (and my sis) took mrt together back home..
i guess i sound a bit hysterical from the escapist way of behaviour i did as mentioned above..but that is what i always do when i am down..i'd escape everyone and walk alone..i did not cry for the results, but i guess what i want to do most now, is to scream and get it all out. i'll be ok if i don't talk about it. i think i am the most ok one.
ok.
i guess people will start hating me..for the fake that i am.