April 22, 2007

I am beginning to feel depressed all over again. What exactly had mould me into who I am now? Is it me? Or is it the environment? I had blamed too much onto the environment, but maybe it was me all along. I often depreciate myself, thinking it doesn't matter who and where I am, as long as I am me. But I am behaving in a way that tells everyone I think it matters and they should take my viewpoints too. I feel lost and I felt hurt. By reality, by everyone, and most importantly, by myself. I'd know that if I did not think the way I'm thinking now, all'd be good. And yet I chose to complicate things. So what's with not contacting each other for such a long time bacause we can still talk like how we used to do? Why does it matter to me when it seems so insignificant to everyone else? I think even after all that had happened, I was just hiding the raw me inside so that I can laugh when I am scolded, feel alright when I'm insulted, smile when I am shunned away. I am self-pitying a lot lately, and I don't see when or how I'm going to go out of the shell. Maybe, never.
But the front will be kept. The one that don't care. You won't see my tears because that I had given to the dark.