I am not what I am. - Iago, OthelloI think that the trip home is a good time to self reflect.
And I was using this time to self reflect so much that it got me feeling all down.
And I was filled with things that I want to write on this blog.
And suddenly, just when I reach home, I lost everything that I had been thinking about.
I was reading through my junior's blog, and upon knowing that my primary classmate, Flora (she was, in fact, one of the girls in my clique) tagged at her blog, I went to Flora's blog. There was one post about Shushan talking to her in VJ; and when she was sad, Shushan taught her to smile when she feels down because it'll help to cheer things up. And I find that phrase familiar. Isn't that the magic that once worked for me when I was down? Isn't that the magic that didn't work for me anymore after I tell Shushan about it? Isn't it the same phrase that I tell Shushan when she was sad? Then again, I doubt myself. Maybe it was Shushan who told me that and not the other way around, because she's been always so nice and perfect. (On the other hand, my sis say that Shushan is very nice to me to remember what I have said. I'm feeling guilty now.) I'm sorry to doubt you.
And I miss everyone of you. But, I won't know what to say to you all if I see you. So, don't let me see you all. I'm afraid you will be utterly disappointed in what you might see. And I think it's better to leave the contacting at sms-es and phone calls the most, because I don't want to drop the illusion that we are still close, because I know deep down that we can never go back to the state we were. Not I.
I've always been trying to be a nice person. A real nice person that don't bother with what everyone did to me, and that I can continue thinking that we're all very nice people. When someone did something to me I'd psycho myself into thinking that I've got it wrong, that I've wrong the person. Sometimes it turns out I'm correct, sometimes I'm wrong. And sometimes, actually most of the time, I'm feeling guilty for the slightest bit because I do not want people to do that on me.
I think I'm using the excuse that I have short term memory too often. It's not that I do not have short term memory, but sometimes I think I'm using it as an excuse to forget certain things. To think that I forget certain things. Escapist huh? Sometimes I think I'm trying too hard to forget certain things too.
I think I've been trying to relate myself to every sad songs that I've came across. That I will make myself believe that I can feel and relate to what they are saying inside the songs, that I've been through it before.
I think I'm lamenting too much too often most of the time. Don't you agree?