carmen wrote me a testimonial which make me reflect on myself.
she said that i am more depressed and pessimistic and "don't know how to say".
i think i roughly get what she means.
there is always this sense of emptiness that i have in me. i know i am with friends. but sometimes i'd zoom out and sometimes i just don't feel like facing them or talking to them at all. my phrases of zooming out is getting more frequent, and i zoom out now to run away from conversing with my friends and stop the embarrassments. and i pretend to sleep more too. i know i have friends that deserve my wholeheart but i am having this feeling that i do not have a heart here now.
i can still smile, laugh and joke, and make fun of myself. but it seems i have more times when i am depressed and pessimistic by not looking forward to anything. like not looking forward to having birthday greetings from zhuang yuan cause i know she's hard on her life. well i'm trying to find excuse yah? i don't know, but it is relevant and that is the reason she gave too.
and i think i'm getting more cold hearted and anti social. and over protecting myself just too much to begin with. i do not even bear to risk anything now. i do not feel like going out anymore. and i do not persist people to do things with me. if i got to do something and i can do it alone, i try not to rely on anyone anymore. there is times to be childish and times i can't i think. and i getting to the idea that if i ask too much from anyone they'll get tired of me soon. if there is how relationships are, i'd rather not ask for anything at all now. let it be mild. but lasting.
ok i AM being depressing now. but on a better thought, i am on manageably good terms with everyone. which is good.
mild but lasts.