caught one of the relatives of a patient having slipped of tongue today. when the doctor asked her if the nurse who helped change the patient's diapers informed her of any blood in stool, the word "maid" came naturally out. of course she corrected herself almost immediately, but the fact that I was there, even though I was not the "maid" who changed the diapers for the patient earlier on, had me silenced for a while. it shouldn't come as a surprise actually, especially in the setting of Singapore, but it still hurts to really hear it firsthand what the society thinks of the profession I am in. and while wiping asses doesn't automatically equates you to a maid, I guess it takes years of bending too low to result in nurses being "missies" despite the government's efforts in changing the profession's image.
what is the use of introducing a degree course in nursing, if the government is not doing anything else drastic? what is the point of encouraging further studies, if the institutions only recognise it when they need it? how do you expect the society's view to change, when the people working the ground is not changing or willing to change?
I know very well that the feeling I'm feeling is close to a burn out, and while my compassion and passion and sympathy is almost exhausted after 4 years of nursing, I do wonder to myself how, and why so. it's not as if I have much passion in anything else, but the dread to go to work every single day is horrifying. Not to mention the constant disappointment in the management and myself, the unchanging complaint cases we have to face almost always (which somehow ending inthe conclusion that we're always in the wrong, even when we're evidently not). Too tired to say a word, too weak to fight to change. while going with the flow is slowly drowning me, swimming against the tide seems like an equally bad idea.
I can remember too clearly the reason I always gave when I was starting in Year 1 of university life, when they always ask for the reason that I chose nursing, and that is because I am a people-person and like to interact with people, and that I dislike deskbound jobs. While I guess I would still enjoy doing clinical works than research, I am clearly reconsidering the fact of patient exposure interactions. To the extent that a deskbound job is starting to sound interesting to me, that the everyday interaction with patients and relatives is becoming more of a training of my soul than being anything resembling passion.
I'm really not sure what is going to come after this, but it is reality that I'm reconsidering my options and my choice.
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