CRAP. I got 29/40 for Genes and Soc, which is supposed to be easy..ARGH!! minus all the questions that the lecturers decided to forfeit, I think I scored less than 25 before that..how did I end up there??! [Sorry if I am being insensitive, but I studied for the test and they are supposed to be what I learnt in JC]
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I was at the auditorium where there was a lot of people (I feel like I was in another one of the cityharvest event with all the people cheering and religiously feeling..hrm). I was trying to talk to this stranger at the side all the while but failed. She has this "don't bother me" look, but I still tried to make friends (like so often I did that now). Somehow everyone knows I'm in Nursing, and there is this another guy from the paramedics. Then the people in charge told us to get ready to take photos and to take out anything that we want to take photo with. Seeing a lot of people taking out the DHSCO shirt, I happily took out a DHSCO shirt and a DHSCOGY shirt that are nicely packed in plastic bags, and handed them to Carmen and Xiuyi. They took them and like everyone else, started raising them above their heads and posing ready for the camera. At that moment I feel that my face could not be seen due to the overwhelming amount of people standing right in of me (just like how I felt during the Quadfac bash last year during the photographing section at the end), I moved to the aisle of the auditorium (now this place looks like the one in Maha Bodhi School, the one that the band was practising for CD recording when I went back with Xiuyi to take a look, after graduating and non-contacting for several years). I was feeling out of place, lost and lonely, and cause I was holding nothing, I just raised my hand high in the air and made a V sign. This is when my alarm woke me up.
After snoozing my alarm, I went back to sleep.
I was at the exact same spot with the V hand sign, feeling dejected and miserable being alone in the crowd of cheering people (as how I always feel now in Nursing and NO, I am not going to quit and transfer to another course just cause I have no friends in Nursing). Suddenly, one of the host collapsed in front of the whole auditorium, and the other one started shouting for help. He mentioned that there is pulse felt, and from my angle I can see his chest raising and falling. So I thought to myself, "Okay, this guy is going to make it. He is breathing." And upon seeing the other host attempting to do CPR on him, I shouted down "It's okay. Don't need to do that." And at the other end the paramedics guy walked down the stairs and did CPR on the host. The host came around. And I was stunned. What was going through my mind was: "You mean he did CPR and save that guy? You mean we are supposed to do CPR? You mean my diagnosis was wrong? You mean if I really didn't do anything, I would have caused the guy's death?" And I walked silently and downhearted back to my seat, and everyone thought I was angry at the paramedics guy. The stranger was asking Carmen "Is she angry with the guy?" and Carmen just shrugged her shoulders, and I ignored both of them, with all the questions in my mind and feeling useless. And then my alarm rang again, and I woke up feeling useless and doubting myself.
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And then, I was disturbed by my dream for the entire day. Do I really suit to be a nurse? I really went through a lot of times the steps to identify and do CPR, and tried to convince myself that I did not do anything wrong in my dream. I doubt my ability, really. What if I cause some mistakes that will cause a patient's life?
I better get starting working harder.
or at least get all my facts right before my clinical attachments.
And graduating.