Raindrops keep falling on my headAnd just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bedNothin' seems to fitThose raindrops are falling on my head, they keep fallingSo I just did me some talkin' to the sunAnd I said I didn't like the way he' got things doneSleepin' on the jobThose raindrops are falling on my head, they keep fallingBut there's one thing I knowThe blues he sends to meet me won't defeat meIt won't be long till happiness steps up to greet meRaindrops keep falling on my headBut that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' redCrying's not for meCause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'Because I'm freeNothing's worrying me - Lyrics of "Raindrops keep falling on my head"A LOT, a LOT of things had happened to me, and I bet, more is going to happen in my life. Where should I begin now, or should I not begin at all? After all, it's not going to change the fact no matter what I do or however I lament..
First of all, I'd like to say that I think the fullstop to being a part of DHSCO is being drawn last night. Not as an alumni I guess, but it's gonna be nothing more of an alumni. And I supposed, being the me as I am, I won't really involve myself too much now that it's mostly over. What is the use of going back to a CO that I'm not a part anymore? And it was a hard time I keep reminding myself to cheer up around people I don't know, chatting and laughing as if I know them for all the months if not years. Yeah, I guess you can say and expect me to go back to help, but the difference is still there. Going back to a CO that you can recognise no one is such a sad feeling, offering help where no one accepts it because they don't know who you are, the feeling of loneliness even though you have people you know around you, sometimes I just learn to shut myself out from all my negative thoughts. But maybe I should have enjoy myself more last night rather than being emotional thinking of things in my life and getting xiaoxue worried for me. LOL I'm sorry.
I think government everywhere have a problem of their own and I regret to say that the fault in Singapore is slowly appearing. Well, I do not have that freedom of speech to talk much here so I'd better keep it off the internet.
Read a novel on secrets, and another on rudeness in the modern lifestyle, the former in Chi (and i finished the book) and the latter in Eng (which I'm still in the process of reading). There is this phrase in the first book that I think is quite true: 秘密說出來了，就不是秘密了 (A secret is secret no more when you say it out). I think a secret is between the two person and if a third person is to know about it, you might as well don't classify whatever you said as a secret at all, right? And I think it's quite a betrayal of trust if you tell your friend it's a secret and ask them to keep it secret, while you yourself go around spreading to everyone else saying that it's your secret. Hrm. I think I've been doing that. Shall go into self reflect mode.
And about that second book, as I haven't finish reading yet, I can't really do much of picking a quote to put here, but there's this one point "Why must it be ME that do this" and "someone ELSE will do it" attitude that I think is worth mentioning even if I don't really know the depth of it. Those two questions are the two that have always appear on my mind whenever I do something unwillingly, but are the same two questions that I've been trying hard to eliminate from my mind. As I have said, I'm trying to be real nice person. Why force things upon others that you yourself doesn't want, right? And although I don't want it either, I shall psycho myself into thinking that it'd make life better if I am the one suffering and not the others.
I've felt like a loser for these days I think. Why can't I excel in my studies just like what my sisters did? Why can't I say proper sentences? Why am I always at a lost for words when I'm supposed to cheer people up? Why am I always saying the wrong things and at the exact wrong time?It's like..what happened to all the big big promises that I'll be there for them when I can't even console properly? All I can do is feel what they feel, and do nothing more than to stand there and try to cheer them up
silently? HA. It's ironic how I am the one making empty promises and always the one who stands at one corner being a bystander at the scene when others can think of tonnes of things to say to cheer people up. I supposed I'll never be able to change.
My dad's friends came today. I think I must thank my second sis loads cause she was at home to help out so that I didn't have to feel more awkward than I already was. But it was a pleasant experience I guess I can conclude. Though I only score 4/10 given by my sis on my translation skills. LOL
Life is changing every moment, and I wonder where and what I'd be in the next moment. Will I be the same person as I am now tomorrow? Will I lose my friends overnight? Will I end up in a foreign country like when I first came to Singapore tomorrow? Talking of which, did I ever say what happened when I came here and before I came here? It was starting of the exams for the term when I received the letter saying that I've been given the scholarship and am supposed to go to the International School of Singapore in Hong Kong for a few months to pick up simple mandarin and English before I came here, and I was quite overjoyed by the prospect that I'd escape the end of term tests. Guess what I tell my friends and classmates the day before I'm gone? I told them, in a secretive manner and full of triumph, that I don't have to take the test which starts on the next day. Of course I was received by a lot of disbelief exclaims and questions to why I say that. And to which, I never give an answer to but a smile. LOL. I wondered if I had treated things properly and asked for their contacting details will I have friends in Hong Kong now. But that's in the past, and I chose an option that lead me to where I am now. Will I face the same thing next morning, realising I lost the scholarship, and going back to Hong Kong before the Block Tests begins? (Which won't exactly happen because the checking of results is in May)
And I've been always wondering and wondering, if given such choices as I was given in the past, if I were to choose a different paths, where I'd be now. If I did not have the scholarship, I won't even be here, but where will I be then? If I had went for the GEP test and scored well for it, where'll I be now? If I had not seen the brochures of DHS in Pri 5 and aimed to go there, where would I be now? If I have gone to CCHMS like all of my friends, who will I meet there? If I had scored very badly for PSLE, will I be in CO now? If I had chose to stay in band in sec sch, will I be connected to my band friends from pri sch? If I did not go in CO, will I meet my friends now? If I'd stayed in band, will I be happier like what I had thought I'd be in the past? If I had replied to ChaiJing's mails, will I be still in contact with her now? If I had not play so much at the end of Sec 2, will my results be better for O's? If I had scored better for O's, will I be in the same sch as my friends now? If I had remember to bring my pass in China, will TTK remember me like he now does (although in a bad way)? If I had chose to stay in IJ after first three month, what will I become? If I had appeal to TP for first three months, where will I be now without the scholarship?...... I think fate is a ruling factor for my life. For one obvious evidence, I didn't manage to change to TP for first three months because I couldn't find the school gate to IJ. And actually, I was at the correct place, just that I did not see it. Isn't it fate that I did not see what I was looking for? Be it fate, or be it the fact that I give up on my options too easily, my life is of choices that I made in the past, consciously and subconsciously. Well, I supposed this isn't anything strange and new 'cause everyone else's life is too :)
wanted to post this post as a draft first then post it up after I write more entries so that this one would be "old" and no one reads it..haha but I guess I shall just publish it bah..
that's all for now.. shall go sleeping :P