this is the short note i jotted down when i was on my way home:
' 01 April 06
waiting for the train alone now..time is 2314..nth went as planned today..CO make me feel all te feelings i ever experienced, and now only left me with sadness..deep sorrow tt cannnot be explained..want to cry but everywhere is ppl..can't even bring myself to talk to anyone.. "i feel sad and want to cry but can't" was all i can say to xiuyi after thinking thru lots and mustering courage..my eyes v pain..the tears are stuck within them..
hollowness'
this is the total depiction of wat i'm feeling now..when i was walking from the bus stop to my house where no ppl were there i just broke down crying..maybe i'm really sentimental..
today is the DHSCO gongyan and we're playing as alumnis..wanted to reach mac before 930 den eat breakfast..and was planned to meet rachel yihui khaiqi xiuyi zy carmen there and go vch together..but in the end only me carmen xiuyi and zy came..den we reached vch at 1115 and start to get ready and stuff..and so it goes the whole day..blah..
i have alot of things to regret about this gongyan..and it's sth i never wanna do..i never wanna regret not to give them the postcards i wrote but i am..i never wanna regret about not making this night my memorable night but i am..i never wanna regret about not going to dhs with them after the concert but i am..there is so much so much things tt i wanna do tonight but din..i wan to have a harmonious last day with them..i want to be able to talk to them..i want to resolve all my trouble in co tonight..i want to spend more time with all the people interacting..i want to remember every details tonight..i want to at least look into the eyes and smile..ok the last pt was besides the pt cuz i wasn't in a good mood tonight..everything was in a blur..and i can't rmb a single moment of sitting down with the juniors and talk..nor my words of encouragement is heeded to my understanding..
maybe i shld be a feared senior..dun expect me to smile anymore..cuz i dun feel like..gongyan with alumni next yr?let's see abt it..cuz i dun wan to be feeling so hollow anymore..
CO is my life..and i feel like walking down the stairs into the water at Singapore River..it was attracting..so does my life mean anything to me anymore? not tt i wan it to..
i dun wan it to end so soon..
i wish it never began and we'll still be going to dunman every sat..and spend the next week looking forward to it..
when will we ever meet again?