i'm exhausted.
i'm feeling tired, and yet i'm not tired.
not yet.
it's those type of tired that seep through your mind like a invisible worm and you could see nothing of what is causing it and there're no way to put it off.
can you believe a slacker like me actually go home everyday and before bed she'll make sure homework that are due the day after was finished?i'm turning into that kind of freak. like wat kelvin ho wrote for his nick in msn, i'm slowly muggerified too.i don't believe in miracles cause it don't work for me anymore, and i could not bring myself to believe that only hardwork will lead me to where i want.
i'm contradictory.
i want to be a leader and i don't feel like being a leader.
i want to study hard and i don't feel like studying hard.
i want to be happy but i'm not feeling happy.
i want to cry but i'm dried up inside.
i want to look lively but all i could see reflecting in the mirror was hollow eyes.
i want to keep in touch with my friends and i don't feel like calling them.
i want to be treasured as a friend and yet i'm not making myself valuable enough to be treasure.
do you get what i mean? what i meant was, i want to call zhuangyuan and shushan and ask how they are and what they're doing, but am afraid to do so. i was never one that initiate things. i fear the feeling of being rejected if i fail at something, and that feeling of rejection will keep me from doing anything else with the same person in fear of being shun off even further. and with each rejection i took, even if it was unintentionally, i'll retreat into that corner in my heart and close myself up. do you see now why i'm too overly-protected by myself? i never disagree what carmen analyse from the psychological test cause i know she's right in saying that i'm into my own shell too deep. too deep inside. i had learned to accept black humour that make fun of me. i learnt to take things easily, and that not everything everyone said meant what it appeared to me. but in order to do that, i need protection from reality. see the relation?
i'm hurt by mr conrad basically. i was not egoistic about my english cause i know i doesn't really perform very well in everything in it, but i didn't expect a sentence that stated my failure in the subject AT ALL. from the very basic. foundation. it was like declaring that i do not worth learning the language. and now when i see him, i see someone with dislike of me. cause in my heart there's this shadow that keep reminding me: i'm the worst student in his class. am i being just too sensitive? maybe so, maybe not.
maybe so,maybe not.
think positive ya? even without english, i still have chemistry! biology!:)
maybe not,
maybe so.