shushan say this week is to be treasured.
is it or not, i don't know still.
but what it appeared to me, it's an eventful week.
a week that has happenings that are worth for me to remember but won't if i don't write it down.
memories that worth recalling but not to the extent of being treasured.
tuesday xiuyi and carmen is well again. as according to carmen, after a week or two of cold war. i think i should be feeling happy that they finally became good again. should be. but i don't know what am i exactly feeling. happy? worried? anxious? i don't know. cause from then on i'll be the spare again. i don't know, after so much i realise carmen want to be a "happy-three-some" that evolve around her. xiuyi want to be a "happy-three-some" that well, go anywhere as they like. i'm the one with this attitude problem that want a "one-to-one" friend circle. i'm the one who is selfish. i don't feel needed anymore. i feel guilty when xiuyi call me on the bus, me with carmen, and i think that is the moving force for carmen to gain back her friendship. as she say, she's xiuyi's bestest friend. and i'm afraid xiuyi will be angry when carmen call me with her around, as she had showed her anger of being left out. and this time i guessed wrongly. it was not because me and carmen too close that caused her unhappiness. it's carmen-joel thing that make her feel unhappy. that was the reason she gave to carmen.
but what and why then, are u angry with me?
yesterday was the crisis between me and zhuangyuan. lu lao shi scolded her one day before, and she cried. i was not there to console her, and even left her with a "bye-bye" when she go into the toilet and me and sophia went off to SSS. what can i say? and what should i say that make my intention sound good? i was just merely thinking that she have enough of her good friend around to console her, and what is the use of me there who will say everything on earth that make her even sadder? don't try me, i caused yiwen to start crying again after miss tan critised her. so i let her to be flooded with quzhao and jingjing's consolation, and kokjun's looking sadly, and i kept out of it. i thought appropriate, but not her. she say she still want me to be there to console her, which i make no sense. and don't really think she mean it. so yesterday we kinda "cold-war-ed" but got well again after saying sorry for my absense.
well, and i think quzhao wasn't very happy about it.
today you pushed me away from zhuangyuan countless time. i won't fight with you.
i'm invisible.