i dunno wat i did is wrong or correct. by pushing her away..but now it just doesn't seem to matter anymore. like murty to alex, xiuyi chose to stay by me once again. i dunno how long it'll take for me to be able to clear my mind and stop thinking that i'm useless, even tho i am. but..we shall wait and see, shan't we.
i dunno wat she meant, but she said she was quite happy during the syf presentation. but i wasn't. and her reason for happiness is kinda obvious to me, altho i wish that i'm just telling tales about her. again. carmen sat with xiuyi, and i wasn't there to tag along. isn't this great for her? the bestest of best friends are along again. thankx to my giving up. tho i supposed xiuyi wasn't happy tt i pushed her away? but after all i'm not sure. about everything. maybe no one meant for me to let go but i did, thinking that they'll be happier. but when they are happier, i thot tt must be cuz i gived up. and self-depreciate even more. i dunno. i'm not sure again.
went to lib with zy and kokjun ydae. and i felt like a total lightbulb. i dunno, altho zy keep telling me that there's nth between them, i sense sth. and i heard, even tho i pretend not to, tt i'm a nuisance. to them. oh well, maybe he din mean it rite. and after tt comment they both walked away to dunno where, leaving me thinking of even worse things. thinking of tt zy dun wan to tell me they're stead, and leave me being a light-bulb even tho i din noe and protested. i'm a gd cover u see..tt's my use. but i hoped not.
maybe my brain working too much again. i shld have put it to rest when thinking is not needed, so that i can be thick skinned enuf to stay, both for xiuyi-carmen and zy-kokjun's case. i'm wishing.